Monthly Archives: April 2014

Of hate and love

I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hated you every time you cut me down just when I was about to reach for my dreams. I hated you when you took all I care for, chewed it up and spat it back at me with that sickening onyx smile of yours. Every time you saw me dying in the mud, you walked on by.

All I wanted, all I did, was for you. I wanted it to work out between us. I wanted to swallow up all the deathly shades around you. I wanted to give us a fighting chance, a maddening chance. I just wanted to lay down and dream with you, then dream into you, so I can finally be part of you.

I gave you the best of me and you tossed it into the void. I spent nights helplessly thinking of all that you ripped out of me and distorted in a heartbeat. There’s very little of me I recognize when I look into the mirror now. All I see are parts of you, and they are the ugliest parts of you.

But I love you. And I really don’t know how to stop. When we walk together, when we go to all our places, when we get lost and stumble on those little trodden paths and giggle because we don’t care, I love you. I still don’t know how to be with another. I don’t even want to be with another. I want to cuddle up with you and talk to you, even when I know you’ll just bash my head against a bloody wall again and toss back your long black hair.

When the stars drifted outside my window at night, I only wished to be more for you, to have more so I can give to you. Yes it’s senseless, yes I know you’ll take it all, rip out the skin on me and toss it to the rabid dogs as you move on. But I still wish for more to give to you. I never wanted to be with another. I would just linger on with you, wishing and waiting impatiently for that smile you rarely flash at me anymore. I can never share the dreams I shared with you with another.

Now there’s very little of me left. I’m not dead but I’m not alive either. I have given all I can and more. You know it as well as I do. And if I had more, I would given it all and scrap the last bits of, wrap it up in my hopes and dreams, and hand it to you, that you may look at me differently again. I would have hated you as I kiss you lovingly again.

Just let me roll up next to one of your walls and hug me close. If I’m to lose the last remnants of my soul, I want you to be there so that they fall into your palm. Maybe, just maybe, you will take them and make them into something worth more than they ever were. Even if you just choose to toss them and trample on those worthless pieces again, I would want them for no one but you.

And I won’t hate you.


The Keyhole

He sat in his small room with the bare walls closing in on him as his thoughts tried to escape out of his mind,  looking for a place to thrive and grow and expand.

Slowly he picked up the purple crayon and started drawing a keyhole on the floor beneath his feet. His shivering hands made it hard and the crayon fell several time before the jagged keyhole was complete. He put down his crayon on the ground, where it slowly disappeared into air.

He peeked through the keyhole, knowing very well what he would see on the other side of the world. He didn’t want to look, he had no right to look. He had lost that a long time ago. But he couldn’t help it. He needed to see. He needed to be close again. Even if he was on the other side of the world.

All he could see was a thick darkness that seemed to solidify into black pearls in his eyes. Then slowly, as his eyes adjusted and the tentacles pulled away, he could make out a silhouette at the end of the room. Her silhouette.

There were spirits dancing around her. Trying to pull her closer, trying to slip into her and become one with her. It took little effort from her to keep them at bay. She just wasn’t interested.

Bony fingers crept out of the ground, trying to pull her down and break her. They hated the way she whirled around, unbound by the primitive rules that ruled their worlds. She had set herself free from it all when she threw it all in the wind, leaving the jingling alarms behind and only hearing the serenity inside her. She floated in the bloom, unaware of anything but.

She danced on through the void she’s stuck in, never noticing the spirits or the dead fingers. She was distant, detached, and depraved of most of life. She was the void. She was eternal. She was the dreams and nightmares of a thousand different souls yet none could ever get close to her.

I called out her name through the keyhole and for a second it felt like she heard me – she almost broke out of her trance and stared at the empty air, never seeing me but almost seeing into me. It lasted for a fraction of a second,  but I could almost swear I saw the shadow of a smile before it all faded away.

The monster spoke the words and the keyhole disappeared, along with that last glimpse of a smile. So much was left unspoken, so much still lingered in the husky air. The dream still lingered undreamed, a future was left unhoped, a vision was left unseen.

It all disappeared with the keyhole.