Tag Archives: love

The dreamy bloom

Trust me now and block out the universe. Refuse it. Abhor it. Let’s find our own rhythm away from this all and dance to it – just let go and move out of sync of their world. Imagine anything and let it be, but more importantly take me there with you. Rebel against their reality and choose the little fragments that we love and believe in.

Peel away the world and look at everything that’s waiting behind it for us. The way we want it, the way we dreamed it, building it like Lego bricks the way we always imagined it. I just want to be with you and no one but you as we do this. Let’s smash our dreams to little bits and build something new from the shards. Even if they don’t fit together, who are we to decide – the misfits of the world?

Let’s drive away then fly away then evolve away from this all. Take my hand and let’s build our own soundtrack and tune out the noise of their world. We do not owe them anything nor do they have the right to expect anything. Like black petals blowing on the winds, we don’t know where we will land nor do we care either. We do not need to take root anywhere we don’t believe in, we can phase out and exist on our own plane of thought.

I’ll slip into your smile and lose myself in the freedom as I break my restraints. We will draw fantastic beasts and ride them as mad wildlings when we burrow into the purple soft pus of our wounds. We don’t need them to lick them for us, we’ll find worlds there and be one again. I’ll listen to the groaning of our crippled limbs and we will rise to its rhythm and tear the skies apart in our anger and our love.

Take my hand and trust me and let’s leave this all behind. Somewhere, somehow, no one cares if things make sense. And that is where we will finally bloom into an idea beyond control.

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On that day

IMG_2390One day we’ll walk out into the sun again and we’ll stand together like we did before. It’ll be a peaceful, bright early morning. The midday sun will not burn us as we talk of love and dreams. You’ll speak like you did before, and I’ll smile like I did before, and the little kids running around will chase the bubbles of fantastic dreams that come out of your lips and giggle when they pop them and the colors splash on them.

On that day there will be no more tears. I won’t cry for you again, nor will I see those little pearls at the corner of your eyes as you close them in pain. There will be no place for pain anymore. There will only be us and we will be grand. We will never talk of hopelessness again. We will only talk about the small and simple things we will do, and no one will ever think they are grand. But to you and I, they’ll be ivory towers we climb to court the stars and befriend the comets.

We will smile at the passersby who will look at us, smile back and never recognize us. But we won’t really care if they know us or not. The only thing I’ll care about is you next to me my friend, and how we laugh as we catch broken bits of chatter from others out on the square to enjoy the sun. No one will ever turn their heads down in fear again, never again my friend. We will raise our heads and scream our thoughts out and the elements will bow down to our wills.

On that afternoon we will bring down all the walls. For the first time ever, we’ll finally see each other for what we all truly are – balls of blinding potential just waiting to unwind. We’ll all unwind and tangle and untangle and flip over into a maddening display of color as we trade bits and become something larger than the sum of us all. It would be a good day for all my friend. There will only ever be love for each other. It will guide all our actions and in it we will finally find deliverance from centuries of frustrated line drawing to mark our mental and physical territories.

We’ll dream into each other and become formless, we won’t care what we look like or how others see us anymore. We’ll be endless thoughts and float on an endless sea of creativity where we will be the gentle trickle and the raging storm. The destruction they bring will have no place among us. We will only ever build dream upon dream, never believing there will ever be a ceiling – and if there is one we will just burst through it and build on as we become limitless. We will finally be us. Just us. Not them or their thoughts or their demands. On that afternoon we’ll walk hand in hand, my friend, and we will be free. And only then will we know what it really feels like.

The setting sun will smile at us for all we are. We will finally become what we were born to be after hundreds of years of struggle to find our place. In that orange-red hue we will splash water at each other in the fountains of youth. We will share our tales with the pebbles and the dust for a fleeting moment before they go and spread them across the earth. For all will wait to hear of us my friend. And the sun will smile at the kids hopping through the grass where we once spilled our blood and be grateful to have seen us on that one day.

On that night, we will lay back under a sparkling night where the full moon will never set. We will defy time itself, for that day will not end, nor shall we wake up to what once was again. It will be eternal and so will the people with us. We’ll sit in a circle and hold hands as we make up songs of our glory on a night much darker than this one. We will sing of love, of our hope and for the ones we lost along the long winding road. We will sing in peace, we will sing and our voices will not be heavy with the burden that was forced on us.

On that night, it will all be ok again. It will all be worthwhile and we will know it. And we will be together my friend. We will not be stories in a dusty book or pictures on a fading billboard. We will just be us, and the world will be us.

Like time

I was huddled in the corner next to the bed when the spaceship swayed close to my window. Aren’t you guys stupendously late this time around? I watched lazily as the lights changed. This isn’t really as bright as I remember, or maybe it’s just darker than I remember – there’s very little I can remember anyways.

Come sit with me and read me your favorite line from that book again. Flip through and find it, I have time. I can wait as long as I’m looking at you. Just give me time, and I’ll be here looking at you. Tell me stories, you know, like that story I once told you in a delirium but never completed. Tell me the same story again, make up an ending and tell me the whole thing. You know I’ve waited for years and years to hear that ending and it’s all yours now.

It’s not unusual to be me. My hair just looks weird and my eyes have this sagging blackness around them. When I stopped time short so we may never grow old again, my body made up for it and aged at triple the speed. But I’ve still got time. At least, I hope it’s enough time to tell you the one story I actually believe. You know, that story that will change everything for you and me. And I won’t be delirious.

I love you. I love the thought of you, the presence of you. And there’s always time to love you more. As it ticks on, I’ll be fine. You know there’s nothing you can do so just relax and smile for my sake. You watch it closely like a little girl in a candy store. You watch closely and every time you see a crack, you rush to fill it up with your soul. But we both know cracks have a tendency to grow with time. You can’t fill them all all the time. You can fight but you know you’ll lose, like time.

Just keep your eyes on the spaceship. This time around, at least the sky won’t shatter to pieces again and cut my face. I’d get up and watch the spaceship too, but I’m just way, way too tired this time around. Time has painted me very differently from the last time the spaceship was outside my window.

Let’s play video games, or fly a kite, or blow bubbles or paint little dots on the walls and ceiling. Is that all right with you? Can I lean on you a bit? I’m fine but, you know, I haven’t yet made amends. We can ignore everyone else, like they never existed, as long as you have that happy look on your face.

You always wanted to play the piano. I wish you can play the piano for me today. I wish I can sit next to you and watch your fingers fly across like wild fairies. But all I can really watch is the sluggish lines made by time. It’s sticky and messy, broken even, so let’s just run barefooted straight through the grass. We won’t get anywhere, but that’s the last thing I will be thinking about.

The bright light of the spaceship outside silhouettes you, so that you may never leave the room. I’m feeling kind of broken right now, but I’m glad we broke all the rules. I’d go back and do it all over again, then break a few more, then laugh a lot more, then lie a little less, then try to make sense of the spaceship yet again. Just like time.

Colors

I would take the colors and splatter them all over you, I don’t care what color lands where, I don’t care if it fits together or not. I’ll just breathe color back into your dead soul. You’d be beautiful, even if you’re a mess. You’d be alive.

You’d be less vile. I’d be less angry. We’d go on long walks again that won’t end up in us fighting and cussing. We’d be best friends again. I’d kick my shoes off and wade into the waters with my clothes fully on while you laugh, and I’d feel safe knowing you dream of me on the same nights I dream of you.

I don’t care if you’re beautiful – you’re not beautiful. You’re probably uglier than most. But who am I to care? I’m far from beautiful myself. As long as your imperfections reflect on my soul, I couldn’t care less. As long as I can tease you and you’d smile, as long as you speak fondly of me when I’m not there, I’m happy.

I’ll rub my fingers into the colors and draw my crappy doodles all over you, watch them break apart, and then redraw them again slightly better as we laugh till we cry, then cry till we laugh and lay back in the mud – shooing away the tiny insects that creep over us. As long as I got you, there’s little they can do to harm either of us.

And when it’s the flowery season, and all we get is dust in our eyes, we can just huddle closer together and cough it out. I’ll wash your hair with the colors and you’ll be as good as new. If it gets too bad, we’ll just dream the flowers back instead of the dust and color them together. Not reds and violets, let’s color them electric aqua and vibrant green – because why not, right?

With the full palette of colors in hand, let’s paint a new dawn for you and I. Let’s be friends, or lovers, or friend lovers. Let’s paint colors of hope and resilience. Let’s bash the walls and run, alive, wherever we want to go. Let’s color life, because I can’t take the darkness anymore. I can’t take not seeing or touching you anymore.

Let’s not die. Please let’s not die.

Of hate and love

I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hated you every time you cut me down just when I was about to reach for my dreams. I hated you when you took all I care for, chewed it up and spat it back at me with that sickening onyx smile of yours. Every time you saw me dying in the mud, you walked on by.

All I wanted, all I did, was for you. I wanted it to work out between us. I wanted to swallow up all the deathly shades around you. I wanted to give us a fighting chance, a maddening chance. I just wanted to lay down and dream with you, then dream into you, so I can finally be part of you.

I gave you the best of me and you tossed it into the void. I spent nights helplessly thinking of all that you ripped out of me and distorted in a heartbeat. There’s very little of me I recognize when I look into the mirror now. All I see are parts of you, and they are the ugliest parts of you.

But I love you. And I really don’t know how to stop. When we walk together, when we go to all our places, when we get lost and stumble on those little trodden paths and giggle because we don’t care, I love you. I still don’t know how to be with another. I don’t even want to be with another. I want to cuddle up with you and talk to you, even when I know you’ll just bash my head against a bloody wall again and toss back your long black hair.

When the stars drifted outside my window at night, I only wished to be more for you, to have more so I can give to you. Yes it’s senseless, yes I know you’ll take it all, rip out the skin on me and toss it to the rabid dogs as you move on. But I still wish for more to give to you. I never wanted to be with another. I would just linger on with you, wishing and waiting impatiently for that smile you rarely flash at me anymore. I can never share the dreams I shared with you with another.

Now there’s very little of me left. I’m not dead but I’m not alive either. I have given all I can and more. You know it as well as I do. And if I had more, I would given it all and scrap the last bits of, wrap it up in my hopes and dreams, and hand it to you, that you may look at me differently again. I would have hated you as I kiss you lovingly again.

Just let me roll up next to one of your walls and hug me close. If I’m to lose the last remnants of my soul, I want you to be there so that they fall into your palm. Maybe, just maybe, you will take them and make them into something worth more than they ever were. Even if you just choose to toss them and trample on those worthless pieces again, I would want them for no one but you.

And I won’t hate you.